Religion.

HAHA

True dat.

Fading Memories..?

How is it possible to be experiencing such intense feelings, yet having the memories of those slowly fade away? I cannot seem to fathom how you can remember exactly how you felt in that moment but eventually the images of that memory fade - like a photo you put up on your wall. Over time, the colors fade, starts to blur, become less vivid. So, even if you can catch a moment in a photo, that fades too, everything in life eventually does.

What I have realized though is that you don't need the movie of the memory or the complete collection of images of it. If you can remember what you felt in that moment, that is all that matters. We live to feel, so as long as you can still remember how that moment made you feel, it's okay, you don't need anymore - you do not need to hold onto every tiny detail of it. Life is not a movie, so don't try to look back on your memories as if it were. We can't hold onto the memory of each and every one of our experiences. 

Just stop for a second, stop trying to re-live that moment through the images your eyes captured. Stop wasting time trying to put it all together to create that movie because you'll never get it entirely right. If you really want to re-live that moment, stop thinking and let your heart take over. Let yourself feel, and on its own, in due time, the true images of that moment that you are trying to recreate will come back to you with the images you are clinging onto so desperately. Of course, emotions make no sense what so ever so it is impossible to guarantee that is exactly what will happen, but I can guarantee your feelings alone will suffice, and compensate for everything because they are so intense and ever so deeply imbedded in you which will allow you to have that moment to be real, in a different way than you wanted, or imaged it to be - but it will be all yours. 

So, it's okay - you still have your memories. Some will be perfectly clear, others, they won't - but it doesn't matter if you can picture it perfectly in your mind when you close your eyes because your emotions are so much more powerful and they continue to linger on  long after the moment has passed. They essentially make memories what they are. We know not how to be numb and more often than not we wish we didn't have to feel in order to avoid all the pain but if this wish of ours did come true, we wouldn't get to feel any of the beauty either. So, this time your heart wins as it is the one thing that cannot fail you, and never will because it simply does not have the ability to. We need to feel to stay alive.

Never Do Things Half-Way

The Midst of Winter..

Gutter & Stars

Oscar Wilde

Forever.

Does forever really exist, except in the context of fairytales? I think we would all live to believe so, but forever is only a momentary thing. This word is a contradiction of everything it stands for and means - or at least when we use it. Especially when it comes to love, and more often than not, our first love.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Benjamin Disraeli 

This is so horribly true, because when we do fall in love for the first time, we really do start to believe it will never end. Sure, on the surface we face reality and know it will end, but somewhere inside us, there is that tiny hope that this person, this love, this beautiful journey will never end. Then again, I guess that is the magic of falling in love for the first time. You meet someone, you have a connection, amazing chemistry, and then you embark on this incredible journey together, and together, you experience the unknown. Everything that you know and have done, you do again and you experience it in a completely different light. You could have grown up watching the sun set, but when you watch it with them for the first time, it's like nothing you have ever seen before. You don't only fall in love with someone, but you fall in love with the world around you because everything seems so much more beautiful with them. You build your world together, make memories, one's you'll never forget, share kisses, have fights, make up, exchange secret smiles when no one is looking...

It is beautiful, amazing, incredible.. but eventually, it comes to and end. The end that you hoped would never comes, the end that you wish you could escape, the reality that you didn't have to face. It comes and it breaks you, and you start to think you'll never heal, never love again the way that you did because how can anyone take their place? How can anyone every compare? So you push the world away, or throw yourself so deep into it you can't find a way out. You cope, the best that you know how all you are left is with this feeling of hopelessness. However, there is hope, there always is. Now, maybe i'm not the right person to tell you there is hope because well, I'm still in love - with the memories, the person, or how they made me feel.. I'm not sure but someone else will walk into your life. I may not have experienced it myself, but I've seen it happen, I've seen my friends fall in love for the first time, and have that love end and find love again and maybe I will too, I don't know but I do know that eventually, when you are ready, someone will come into your life and make you feel alive again. That doesn't mean that your first love didn't happen, or doesn't matter anymore, it just means that life goes on and you can't hold onto forever.

I want to hold onto that forever. I want to hold onto each and every time that word was said to me, or was implied. 

'I'll always be in  love with you. You will always be number one for me, no one will or can ever replace you. No matter what happens.'

Oh, how I wish those words applied forever, but they don't. Forever and always, can and only ever will be momentary things, because we don't live in fairytales, and that's okay, only because I know when they were said, they were true, because thats the magic and ignorance of your first love and that is exactly how it should be. That is essentially what makes it what is comes to be, and it's not all a lie. Sure, you won't be in love with me forever, but no one will replace me. I can try and replace you, you can try and do the same but that is the fairytale of reality - that is just not possible. People and memories, good or bad, are irreplaceable.

So maybe forever doesn't exist exactly the way we want it too, not when it comes to our first love... or anything for that matter, but memories exist, and they last your entire lifetime, that's forever enough for me.