Age

Is age really just a number or is there more to it when it comes to love? What do you do if you meet someone and share an amazing connection with them, a chemistry thats almost toxic? Walk away because the difference in age is too much?


The funny thing about love is that you don't know when it might happen, or who it may happen with. Sometimes people just fit together regardless of their age. How long can that last for though to be quiet honest? Wouldn't the differences trump similarities over time? With age you gain experience, you mature as a person and and start to see things in a different light than you did before. If you are the younger one you're going to want to go out and live your life, do all the crazy things possible and really experience every moment, be able to taste it. But if you're the older one, you've already done all of that, now you are looking for stability, something constant in your life to create a rhythm you can fall into with someone.


So when this happens, when you meet someone and really connect with them but the difference in age is huge? Do you just go along with it, taking a chance, hoping that you will be the exception and be able to make it work? Or be realistic and walk away from the situation in order to avoid getting hurt? It's also possible one might be crazy enough to walk into it knowing it will end, but it's worth the experience. So what is one meant to do? Take a chance or walk away? 

A Beautiful Day

It's safe to say I've probably had one of the most unproductive days in history. However, it also happened to be a great day. One that brought a lot of joy into my life. Sure, I was blazed out of my mind for about 50% of the day but it's days like this that make me realize this is still worth fighting for.


The heat of the sun beat down on my face as I passed the joint. I couldn't have asked for more in that moment. Listening to great music while sharing a joint in the sun with one of your friends is pretty much one of the best things in the world. I consider myself ridiculously lucky to be able to have this girl in my life. She has to be one of the most genuine people I have met and the connection I share with her is rare. The easiness of our friendship is beautiful - I am free to be my self totally and completely and not for a moment feel judged. You feel so comfortable and safe you realize you don't need to hide anything from this person. I am ever so grateful I can say I have someone in my life like that, someone, who's love and support helps me push through every single day of my life.


Thank you for being you.
Never change,
I love you so.

Van Gogh

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream."

Galileo Galilei

Flashlights and Explosions

"It was me on that road, but you couldn't see me

too many lights out, but nowhere near hear

and the flashlights and explosions."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urxU3Tto63Q

What Else Is There?
Royksopp (Thin White Duke Remix)

Stoned Epiphany

That over-whelming feeling of sadness washed over me for the millionth time as I lay on my balcony enjoying the heat from the sun and the music blaring in my headphones. I took the joint I had rolled and decided to light up - it wasn't until the last puff did I start to feel that familiar sensation spreading through my body, washing away the sadness. There was a new calm in the air now, just for a moment, my heart wasn't aching for my whole life to change.. or end. For once, all I wanted to do was live in the moment and enjoy every second of it. As the sun shined brighter, I lay back, closed my eyes and turned the music up. I wanted to get lost in the music, and I was well on my way. I was only experiencing a slight buzz, but that was exactly what I needed and it was perfect. Suddenly, everything that was bothering me before didn't matter. Life seemed beautiful - all my senses were heightened and I was able to soak in all the beauty around me. It smelt like summer now, and the sun felt glorious on my skin and as I opened my eyes, I was blinded by the brightness. I realized that life had so much to offer and this realization made me feel euphoric. There was hope after all. I wanted this moment to last forever, and in a sense it did. The sadness came back, but my epiphany about life stayed. That day, sitting in the sun I realized I did have something to live for, so instead of trying to end it and failing again and again, why don't I give living a shot? And so I did, and i'm still trying and it's hard but it's worth it. I'm finally fighting for the right thing, so maybe getting stoned to escape isn't that bad after all - sometimes, it does actually work out for the better.

Same Stars..

Something..

Found?

Light/Dark.

I will love the light for it shows me the way.  Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.  

Og Mandino

and I could lie and stare at the stars for the rest of my life, watching a beauty that never fades sparkling bright into the ever expanding unknown. 

Extraordinary Love.

Love by Bob Marley

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
-Bob Marley

We Made Mistakes But..

The Little Prince

The Little Prince

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Language is the source of misunderstandings.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Warhol Words.

The Wizard of Oz

Written In The Stars..

"I could barley breath, I couldn't move - I was trapped. I looked up at the stars and they didn't seem all that beautiful anymore. Maybe, this was written in the stars but I didn't read it in time. It seemed as though they were playing a trick on me, turning my world upside down.  With each twinkle it felt as though they were laughing at me - laughing at my foolishness and naivety. I kept looking back up at the stars, the shimmering silver dots scattered across the sky that sparkled so bright now, looking for some sort of answer as to what had just happened but I got nothing in return. I begged, I tried to plead with the stars but  all I got in return was a hopelessly breathtaking sky that stared back down on me unable to provide me with a justified explanation for all of this. So, I just lay there slowly letting the darkness consume me as the stars faded to black - waiting, watching helplessly..."

Jim Morrison once said..

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

Addiction.

Addictions: How do they start? Well, quiet simply by you thinking that you are in control, that it's just a bit of fun, something that can numb the pain or help you escape just for a while and of course, that you can stop whenever you want. Eventually though, you're no longer the one in control, in fact, you are being completely dominated by an inanimate object. It becomes your everything - your friend, your lover, your confidante, your refuge and your ultimate comfort. Logic and reason are two words that no longer seem to exist in your dictionary, and if they do, they have no meaning what so ever. 

An addiction is very similar to having a secret love affair, well at first anyways. You know what you are doing is wrong and that it's self destructive but you can't help yourself - you can't walk away from the incredible high and this beautiful world you've created. You keep going back for more, spiraling further out of control at the speed of light but you refuse to believe that you are no longer the one in control. You are so drunk of the 'love' it gives you, you loose sight of everything. You use denial as the sole tool to justify your actions. You tell yourself the reason that you're keeping this a secret from the world is because they won't understand, because they don't know what it feels like, how could they? The only 'person' who could possibly ever have an understanding of what you are experiencing is you and what you are addicted too. Yep, that's right - because you're the only person who has ever been through this right?

Eventually though, this secret love affair you have involved yourself in starts to give away. It gets harder to keep up appearances and you loose yourself in your lies. Your so called 'lover' betrays you and your secret comes to light but now, you're too far gone. You feel cheated and most of so incredibly stupid for putting all your trust and faith in this because when you could stop you didn't want too, and now when you do, you can't. 

So what do you do? Scream for help! You can't do it on your own because your mind is no longer in control, the only thing it wants is an escape and your body, its too weak - it needs its fix. You're not going to want to ask for help because what difference would it make now that you're so far gone? If anything, at least you are somewhat numb and anyways, you're in too deep so who could possibly save you? Or even want too after all the lies and deceit? Even if you want to be saved you try and find a reason to justify why you shouldn't be, but everybody deserves to be saved. We all make mistakes, we all walk into situations we don't know how to handle, you're not the only one and once you do pluck up the courage to ask for help, you'll realize that. You will realize you are worth something. It may not necessarily make it easier to take the help that is being offered to you because you're not thinking clearly but since you're already not in control, let somebody, a real person who cares about you take control now. In doing so, at some point you will want to walk away because taking helping means that YOU are the one now betraying this relationship. In your eyes, just because your addiction betrayed you doesn't mean you should betray it too right? Then again, in reality, you were betrayed the first moment you gave into this drug - it was never loyal to you, and this secret 'love affair' you had consisted of no love. You were simply a slave drowning in an all consuming passion.

So stop fighting, because an addiction isn't easy to beat. It is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do - it will test you in every way possible and exhaust you to the core until you don't want to fight it anymore. Don't give up though, because there is hope for each and every one of us, even the lost and hopeless souls. If you're smart though, you'll never get involved in this type of secret 'love affair' that I got my self into, not once, but many times. This world is full of temptations, and most of them are not good. So the two words I mentioned before: reason and logic - always keep them in mind. Save yourself before somebody else needs too. I sure as hell wish I'd had that choice the first time around and as for the rest, I just wish I could a second chance. 

Religion.

HAHA

True dat.

Fading Memories..?

How is it possible to be experiencing such intense feelings, yet having the memories of those slowly fade away? I cannot seem to fathom how you can remember exactly how you felt in that moment but eventually the images of that memory fade - like a photo you put up on your wall. Over time, the colors fade, starts to blur, become less vivid. So, even if you can catch a moment in a photo, that fades too, everything in life eventually does.

What I have realized though is that you don't need the movie of the memory or the complete collection of images of it. If you can remember what you felt in that moment, that is all that matters. We live to feel, so as long as you can still remember how that moment made you feel, it's okay, you don't need anymore - you do not need to hold onto every tiny detail of it. Life is not a movie, so don't try to look back on your memories as if it were. We can't hold onto the memory of each and every one of our experiences. 

Just stop for a second, stop trying to re-live that moment through the images your eyes captured. Stop wasting time trying to put it all together to create that movie because you'll never get it entirely right. If you really want to re-live that moment, stop thinking and let your heart take over. Let yourself feel, and on its own, in due time, the true images of that moment that you are trying to recreate will come back to you with the images you are clinging onto so desperately. Of course, emotions make no sense what so ever so it is impossible to guarantee that is exactly what will happen, but I can guarantee your feelings alone will suffice, and compensate for everything because they are so intense and ever so deeply imbedded in you which will allow you to have that moment to be real, in a different way than you wanted, or imaged it to be - but it will be all yours. 

So, it's okay - you still have your memories. Some will be perfectly clear, others, they won't - but it doesn't matter if you can picture it perfectly in your mind when you close your eyes because your emotions are so much more powerful and they continue to linger on  long after the moment has passed. They essentially make memories what they are. We know not how to be numb and more often than not we wish we didn't have to feel in order to avoid all the pain but if this wish of ours did come true, we wouldn't get to feel any of the beauty either. So, this time your heart wins as it is the one thing that cannot fail you, and never will because it simply does not have the ability to. We need to feel to stay alive.

Never Do Things Half-Way

The Midst of Winter..

Gutter & Stars

Oscar Wilde

Forever.

Does forever really exist, except in the context of fairytales? I think we would all live to believe so, but forever is only a momentary thing. This word is a contradiction of everything it stands for and means - or at least when we use it. Especially when it comes to love, and more often than not, our first love.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Benjamin Disraeli 

This is so horribly true, because when we do fall in love for the first time, we really do start to believe it will never end. Sure, on the surface we face reality and know it will end, but somewhere inside us, there is that tiny hope that this person, this love, this beautiful journey will never end. Then again, I guess that is the magic of falling in love for the first time. You meet someone, you have a connection, amazing chemistry, and then you embark on this incredible journey together, and together, you experience the unknown. Everything that you know and have done, you do again and you experience it in a completely different light. You could have grown up watching the sun set, but when you watch it with them for the first time, it's like nothing you have ever seen before. You don't only fall in love with someone, but you fall in love with the world around you because everything seems so much more beautiful with them. You build your world together, make memories, one's you'll never forget, share kisses, have fights, make up, exchange secret smiles when no one is looking...

It is beautiful, amazing, incredible.. but eventually, it comes to and end. The end that you hoped would never comes, the end that you wish you could escape, the reality that you didn't have to face. It comes and it breaks you, and you start to think you'll never heal, never love again the way that you did because how can anyone take their place? How can anyone every compare? So you push the world away, or throw yourself so deep into it you can't find a way out. You cope, the best that you know how all you are left is with this feeling of hopelessness. However, there is hope, there always is. Now, maybe i'm not the right person to tell you there is hope because well, I'm still in love - with the memories, the person, or how they made me feel.. I'm not sure but someone else will walk into your life. I may not have experienced it myself, but I've seen it happen, I've seen my friends fall in love for the first time, and have that love end and find love again and maybe I will too, I don't know but I do know that eventually, when you are ready, someone will come into your life and make you feel alive again. That doesn't mean that your first love didn't happen, or doesn't matter anymore, it just means that life goes on and you can't hold onto forever.

I want to hold onto that forever. I want to hold onto each and every time that word was said to me, or was implied. 

'I'll always be in  love with you. You will always be number one for me, no one will or can ever replace you. No matter what happens.'

Oh, how I wish those words applied forever, but they don't. Forever and always, can and only ever will be momentary things, because we don't live in fairytales, and that's okay, only because I know when they were said, they were true, because thats the magic and ignorance of your first love and that is exactly how it should be. That is essentially what makes it what is comes to be, and it's not all a lie. Sure, you won't be in love with me forever, but no one will replace me. I can try and replace you, you can try and do the same but that is the fairytale of reality - that is just not possible. People and memories, good or bad, are irreplaceable.

So maybe forever doesn't exist exactly the way we want it too, not when it comes to our first love... or anything for that matter, but memories exist, and they last your entire lifetime, that's forever enough for me.