Forever.

Does forever really exist, except in the context of fairytales? I think we would all live to believe so, but forever is only a momentary thing. This word is a contradiction of everything it stands for and means - or at least when we use it. Especially when it comes to love, and more often than not, our first love.

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.

Benjamin Disraeli 

This is so horribly true, because when we do fall in love for the first time, we really do start to believe it will never end. Sure, on the surface we face reality and know it will end, but somewhere inside us, there is that tiny hope that this person, this love, this beautiful journey will never end. Then again, I guess that is the magic of falling in love for the first time. You meet someone, you have a connection, amazing chemistry, and then you embark on this incredible journey together, and together, you experience the unknown. Everything that you know and have done, you do again and you experience it in a completely different light. You could have grown up watching the sun set, but when you watch it with them for the first time, it's like nothing you have ever seen before. You don't only fall in love with someone, but you fall in love with the world around you because everything seems so much more beautiful with them. You build your world together, make memories, one's you'll never forget, share kisses, have fights, make up, exchange secret smiles when no one is looking...

It is beautiful, amazing, incredible.. but eventually, it comes to and end. The end that you hoped would never comes, the end that you wish you could escape, the reality that you didn't have to face. It comes and it breaks you, and you start to think you'll never heal, never love again the way that you did because how can anyone take their place? How can anyone every compare? So you push the world away, or throw yourself so deep into it you can't find a way out. You cope, the best that you know how all you are left is with this feeling of hopelessness. However, there is hope, there always is. Now, maybe i'm not the right person to tell you there is hope because well, I'm still in love - with the memories, the person, or how they made me feel.. I'm not sure but someone else will walk into your life. I may not have experienced it myself, but I've seen it happen, I've seen my friends fall in love for the first time, and have that love end and find love again and maybe I will too, I don't know but I do know that eventually, when you are ready, someone will come into your life and make you feel alive again. That doesn't mean that your first love didn't happen, or doesn't matter anymore, it just means that life goes on and you can't hold onto forever.

I want to hold onto that forever. I want to hold onto each and every time that word was said to me, or was implied. 

'I'll always be in  love with you. You will always be number one for me, no one will or can ever replace you. No matter what happens.'

Oh, how I wish those words applied forever, but they don't. Forever and always, can and only ever will be momentary things, because we don't live in fairytales, and that's okay, only because I know when they were said, they were true, because thats the magic and ignorance of your first love and that is exactly how it should be. That is essentially what makes it what is comes to be, and it's not all a lie. Sure, you won't be in love with me forever, but no one will replace me. I can try and replace you, you can try and do the same but that is the fairytale of reality - that is just not possible. People and memories, good or bad, are irreplaceable.

So maybe forever doesn't exist exactly the way we want it too, not when it comes to our first love... or anything for that matter, but memories exist, and they last your entire lifetime, that's forever enough for me.